Ah, the wild. Glorious. Peaceful. Invigorating. But look deeper; squint until the sun is just a pale yellow dot, and you’ll realise what you’re actually looking at is a big supermarket. Out here everything is edible. And now that you’ve arrived, so are you. Welcome to the Savannah Superette, where vultures take care of the clean-up on aisle five and the only thing keeping you from being an item in the bargain bin is your packaging: a metal can with wheels. Here follow five tips for survival:
Stay in your packaging
This one’s for the folks who have made it necessary for us to put labels on t-shirts that read ‘Do not iron while wearing,’ or shower caps that say ‘only fits one head.’ It’s real easy guys: don’t get out of your vehicle. Need an analogy? Try eating a tin of tuna without opening it. Difficult hey? Gnawing through a Subaru for a snack is even tougher for hungry fauna. It also wreaks havoc on the incisors.
Don’t feed anything that didn’t come in the car with you
It’s another obvious one but not even good manufacturing can keep idiots from being eaten. Shouldn’t we let Darwinism take care of them?’ you ask. Sometimes I stare wistfully out of my window and imagine such a utopia. But then I remember the two labels in my last point were probably the result of a lawsuit. So, to clarify: unlike pets, wild animals don’t care that there’s a difference between your arm and the snack it’s holding. All they see is a snack holding a snack.
“Become a non-essential nibble by ensuring there’s enough to eat between you and said predator. One rugby player-sized serving on each flank should do it”
Keep Corné to the left of you, Frikkie to the right
Visiting the supermarket on an empty stomach leads to poor life choices. On a full stomach it’s much easier to leave out all non-essential nibbles. Apply this principle to the wild: become a non-essential nibble by ensuring there’s enough to eat between you and said predator. One rugby player-sized serving on each flank should do it. Don’t forget to double portion size per additional hungry beast.
Drink like your life depends on it
You’ve probably heard the saying ‘You don’t have to run faster than the bear. You just have to run faster than the guy next to you.’ This adage is attributed to American author Jim Butcher, and like most Americans he is wrong. Butcher assumes wild animals eat indiscriminately. Incorrect. Wild animals will pick fresh produce over pickled goods every time. So hit the Klippies the night before a big day out being chauffeured* in the wild. Hit it so hard that you wake up practically embalmed, but entirely inedible. Your triathlete friend Steve might be able to outrun you, but he can’t outrun a cheetah trying to lead a more organic lifestyle.
Take to the water?
Rightly or wrongly (wrongly) it’s the big cats we fear the most. You know what cats hate, right? Baths. So, what should you do if you find yourself between a lion and a lake? ‘Jump in!’ Nope. Sorry. That’s where the crocodiles live. Hang onto your coupons because you’re on your way to the checkout.
* Naturally, Subaru is against driving under the influence of alcohol.
The Subaru Forester
